Restorative conversations
If you want to have a restorative conversation to resolve a conflict, here is some guidance that may help.
Restorative conversations
Te Herenga Waka—Victoria University of Wellington is a restorative university. If you have a concern about how someone is interacting with you, or about a particular behaviour, we encourage you to raise this directly with the person involved.
If you want like to have a restorative conversation to work through a conflict, we have some guidance that can support you.
Remember—you can seek advice from the Tauria—Student Interest and Conflict Resolution team at any stage.
Restorative conversation guidance
1. Plan
Think about what you want to achieve through the conversation. Reflect on the situation that is worrying or impacting you, and consider what your needs are moving forward.
2. When and where
Choose a suitable time and place. Make sure the conversation is in a private, neutral space. Consider meeting outside or in a study space, and silence your phone.
Ask permission:
- “Are you free for a chat?”
- “When would be a good time to talk?”
3. Talk about things from your perspective
Clearly explain what has happened, and how it has impacted you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
- “I felt _________ when _______ happened.”
- “I wanted to have a chat about _________ from the other day.”
4. Actively listen to their perspective
Give the other person time to share their experience, and listen actively.
Questions you could ask:
- “This is what I noticed—what did it feel like from your perspective?”
- “What’s going on for you?”
- “How are you feeling about _______?”
Be curious and seek to understand what their experience was. Sometimes, people aren't always aware of how their behaviour affects others.
It can be challenging to hear their perspective, so remember to breathe and try to stay grounded. A calm presence from you can help the other person to stay calm as well.
5. Work together on a path forward
Discuss how the relationship can be repaired and how both of you can contribute to a positive relationship moving forward that prevents further harm.
You might ask:
- “I feel that I need __________ from you at the moment. What are your thoughts on that?”
- “In the future, what are your thoughts on ___________?”
- “What do we both need to make this work?”
- “What can I do to meet what you need in this situation as well?”
- “How do we repair this situation?”
6. Acknowledge
Thank the other person for taking the time to talk to you. These conversations can be challenging and vulnerable for both people, so it's important to acknowledge that. Reiterate the shared understanding you've reached about moving forward.
7. Debrief and self-care
If you need to debrief, find a trusted person to talk to. Self-care after these conversations is especially important. You can read more about looking after yourself and your wellbeing here.