Restorative conversations

If you want to have a restorative conversation to resolve a conflict, here is some advice to help.

Restorative conversations

Te Herenga Waka—Victoria University of Wellington is a restorative university. If you have a problem with the way a person is interacting with you or with a behaviour, we encourage you to raise your concerns directly with the person.

If you want to have a restorative conversation to resolve a conflict, we have some advice that can help.

Remember—you can seek advice from the Tauria—Student Interest and Conflict Resolution team at any point.

Restorative conversation advice

1. Plan

What do you want to achieve in the conversation? Have a think about the situation that is worrying or impacting you, and what your needs are moving forward.

2. When and where

Think about the time and place. Make sure the conversation is in a private, neutral space. Consider going outside, or in a study space, and silencing your phone.

Ask permission: “Are you free for a chat?” or “When would be a good time to talk?”

3. Talk about things from your perspective

Clearly explain what has happened, and how you have been impacted. Use “I” statements to explain how you feel.

“I felt _________ when _______ happened.”

“I wanted to have a chat about _________ from the other day.”

4. Actively listen to their perspective

What is their perspective? Remember to give them time, and actively listen to their response.

“This is what I noticed, what did it feel like from your perspective?”

“What’s going on for you?”

“How are you feeling about _______?”

Be curious: seek to understand what their experience was. Sometimes people don’t necessarily know what they did has had an impact on others.

It can be challenging to listen to perspectives in this moment, so remember to breathe and try to stay grounded. A calm presence from you can help the other person to stay calm as well.

5. Work together on a path forward

Talk together about what ways the relationship can be repaired, and how you can both contribute to a positive relationship moving forward that prevents further harm.

“I feel that I need __________ from you at the moment. What are your thoughts on that?”

“In the future, what are your thoughts on ___________?”

“What do we both need to make this work?”

“What can I do to meet what you need in this situation as well?”

“How do we repair this situation?”

6. Acknowledge

Thank the other person for their time in having this chat. It can be challenging and vulnerable for both people to have these conversations, and it is good to acknowledge that.

Reiterate the shared understanding that you have moving forward.

7. De-brief and self care

If you need to de-brief find a trusted person to de-brief with. Self care is important. You can read more about looking after yourself and your wellbeing here.